I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
