How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
