Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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