Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
