New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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