You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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