you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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