how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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