It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
