pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
