I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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