shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
