Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do vagina's smell?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
