drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
