Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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