you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
