Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
