my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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