Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
