This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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