But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
