You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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