Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
