Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
