They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
