Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
