She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
