Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
