Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
