My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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