I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
