I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
