need another drink. this is the easiest way
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
