so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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