Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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