We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
