He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
