i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
