i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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