I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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