take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
