Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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