No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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