I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
