Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
