We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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