so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
