So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
