Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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