nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
