dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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