i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
